Chapter 1Â
We were galloping along a ridge when the rain began to fall.  It was late afternoon. A thick fog was forming in the lower valleys and the sky was heavy with clouds. The spring rain was cold but it provided some relief from the day’s ride and the stiff leather armor. The horses thundered along the hillside as the sound of creaking saddles and loose saddlebags mixed with the steady beat of the hooves.
There were sixteen of us, half the unit, led by Speratus, our decurion and commanding officer.  His red cloak billowed in the wind as conspicuous as a rooster’s crest.  He drew his sword and waved it in the air to get our attention. Still at a full gallop, he pointed off to the north just below the horizon.  I was the duplicarius, second in command, and in the back keeping the men in line.  Through the mist, I could barely make out a cart being pulled by a mule with a handful of men walking alongside. We turned our mounts off the ridge and down the steep slope. The horses jumped and slid to keep their footing on the muddy ground. When I looked up again the men with the cart were running and whipping the mule to go faster. They were heading for the tree line and a small opening in the brush where the trail disappeared into the woods. We urged the horses into a full gallop across the plain between us and the brigands. We dodged stumps and mud holes left from when the forest was cleared for timber and firewood. The cart was in the woods by the time we reached the opening and the trail was little more than a muddy stream.
We barreled into the narrow opening. I leaned close to Tempest and cut away branches and briars with my sword. What little sunlight there was disappeared, and my eyes slowly adjusted to the dark woods. Not more than a couple hundred feet ahead of us, I saw a bright spot in the thick canopy. The ruts left by the cart led into a clearing. We rode into the glen, and Speratus swung his sword above his head instructing us to fan out. The clearing was encircled by bunches of blackberries and other thorny shrubs. The mule stood harnessed to the cart in the center of the meadow munching on the wet grass, oblivious to the horses.
Our six archers readied arrows and scanned the woods beyond the underbrush. We knew it was an ambush, but it was going to take more than a bunch of muddy brigands to defeat fully trained, Roman cavalry.  For a moment everything was silent except the heavy breathing of the horses. The rain had died to a light drizzle, and the woods beyond the clearing were dark and full of mist. I heard the bow creak before I saw the first arrow. I turned Tempest toward its source and jabbed my heels into her sides. We lurched forward. My shield protected my head and torso. Guttural screams echoed off the trees. Arrows whizzed by in all directions, and my shield shuddered as they stuck in the wood. I urged Tempest toward the edge of the clearing. She vaulted over the brambles. Thorns cut her belly, as she crashed to the other side. Landing outside the clearing, I saw two men drawing their next arrows, one on either side of me. I swung my sword at the one on the right splintering his bow and knocking him back. The other one ran for cover giving me the advantage.  Using the bottom of my shield, I opened a bloody gash on the back of his head. He stumbled and fell to the ground.
Before I could pull up, a giant of a man charged out from behind a large oak. He was bare-chested and standing his ground. He swung a large axe and screamed like a banshee. The axe sunk deep into Tempest’s chest. She rolled forward tossing me out of the saddle. I used my shield to ease the fall and rolled away from the madman, but before I could get up, the axe was slicing toward me. On one knee, I held up my shield and braced myself. The axe caught the edge of my shield and ripped it off my arm leaving a long red burn from my elbow to my wrist. The axe came at me again. I rolled to the side. It clipped my scale armor and sunk into the forest floor. I slashed back wildly managing to nick him in the side. In one motion he ripped the axe from the ground and swung it again. I jumped back hitting a tree. The axe came within inches of my face and sprayed me with mud. Continuing the motion, he brought the axe over his head and with both hands brought it down toward my skull. I dropped to the ground; the axe sunk into the tree. His abdomen exposed, I drove my sword into his chest under his ribs. His expression shifted from rage to surprise, as he looked down at my sword. He let go of the axe with his left hand and grabbed my shoulder. The bastard was strong. I couldn’t pull away. The surprise left his eyes, and his right hand reached for a large knife at his waist. He raised the knife above his head.  Instead of trying to get away, I pushed my sword up to the hilt. The point came out his back, and he slumped over. He stunk of sweat and dung, and I twisted to the side to slough him off. He fell to the ground like he was made of lead.
Remembering the other archer, I turned to look for him. He was standing on the other side of Tempest looking down at the dead man with a dumb look on his face.  Before I could stand up and straighten my armor, he turned and bolted into the woods. He had no armor and no weapons besides the broken bow. He would easily outrun me, so I picked up a dead branch off the ground and threw it at his legs. I got lucky. It caught him behind the knees, and he fell into the underbrush. I had my sword at his back before he could stand. He rolled over to face me, and I realized that he was not more than sixteen, no older than my eldest son.
Hey man, just read the first chapter of your story. Firstly, I would like to commend you for writing a story about Rome, and not just another one about the legions. I enjoy to learn about less known parts of the Roman military, including the cavalry and navy.
Now, please don’t take this too harshly, but for a first chapter it was a bit slow. It is a good idea, but my main problem was that you were telling me what happened, and not letting me think about it myself. It also got a bit repetitive.
For example, there are a lot of sentences starting with “We”, such as “We dodged the stumps and mud holes,” and “We rode into the glen.” It just gets a bit repetitive. Perhaps if you tried a sentence such as, ” Dodging the stumps and mud holes,” or “Riding into the glen.” Try to mix it up a bit instead of the same sentence starter all through the chapter.
I also did not like the combat, and how you were describing everything without emotion, and it was dragged out a lot. For example, “She rolled forward tossing me out of the saddle. I used my shield to ease the fall and rolled away from the madman, but before I could get up, the axe was slicing toward me.”
What I don’t like about this is that something chaotic happened, in this case the main character falling from the horse But the effectiveness and emotion is destroyed when he uses his shield to break the fall, and sort of ends the problem. You could try swapping some of the words, instead of falling you could use tumbled or something like that. Basically though, try to add in some emotion, like how he felt at that moment, because right now he seems like a drone.
In the second part of this sentence you tell me what happens, and you don’t show me. I personally think it is boring to merely say “but before I could get up, the axe was slicing towards me.” Just try and reword it to make it more like a story and less like a report. For example, “as I scrambled back to my feet, the massive axe sliced towards me. Instinctively, I threw up my shield in a weak parry, deflecting the blow and numbing my arm.” Now this is not a perfect sentence, but do you see how I describe instead of tell?
Ultimately though, this story has potential, and I can not wait for more writing to come. Please don’t be offended by my comments, as I am only trying to help, and am an amateur writer as well. Just try to describe more, and make it more lively. Remember, conflict is chaotic, and you need to show that to the reader.
Thanks for the comments! I understand what you’re saying and while my first instinct is to defend my writing, I’ll take what you said into consideration. Hopefully, you find the rest of Chapter 1 more interesting – while it has less physical action it gets at the underlying tension / conflict of the story.
Nice. While I like conflict, the underlying story is more interesting for me sometimes. I will be looking forward to it.
My apologies for making another comment, but I feel that I should mention that I did find this chapter interesting, and your writing is good. You obviously know the topic, and you know what you want to say, it is just a matter of getting that writing sharper and more precise.